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Help! I've never had an orgasm

By Venus O'Hara

Every week, I receive dozens of messages from women all over the world who have yet to experience an orgasm. When I read their stories, I'm even more inspired to work harder than ever on my mission to raise orgasmic awareness. I’m also incredibly flattered that these strangers are willing to share such intimate details of their sex lives with me. It also makes me feel grateful to realise that my work is essential at some level. This is especially true when I have the misfortune of coinciding with individuals who find my profession to be scandalous and shocking and have no problem in telling me so.

When it comes to embarking on an orgasmic journey, buying a sex toy is certainly a step in the right direction. But it’s never quite enough. In the same way that a gym membership alone won’t get you in shape; you must be willing to put the hard work in if you want to achieve the desired results.

I remember when I bought my first sex toy. It was after a break-up. The relationship had been emotionally toxic, but the sex was mind-blowing and highly addictive. Interestingly, I was able to orgasm easily with a partner, but never on my own. I decided that it was about time to take control of my own pleasure. I had to get the ex out of my system and I was convinced that a sex toy was the solution.

Needless to say, I had incredibly high expectations. Despite this, it just didn’t happen for me the first few times that I used it. Every time, I kept getting distracted so I just stopped and repeated the exercise on another day when I felt a little twitchy. I never gave up.

One day, months after I had bought it, I was using my vibrator. When I least expected it, I felt my pelvic floor muscles spasm involuntarily. It was divine and it totally blew my mind. I was no longer reliant on my lovers to satisfy my sexual urges. I had achieved orgasmic independence which was life-changing. Now, I look back and realise that since that moment, I haven’t had a toxic relationship. But I have had plenty of great sex.

My own experience has taught me that your objective should never be to reach orgasm. Instead, it should be to feel pleasure, to connect with your body, your erotic mind and to enjoy all of the incredible sensations on offer, which is no small thing.

I believe that you can make progress on your orgasmic journey even when you’re not masturbating. For example, you can watch erotic films, read erotic literature, buy sexy lingerie just to enjoy the feeling of it against your skin. You can embark on your orgasmic journey with or without a partner. But, I would argue that whatever your relationship status may be, solo explorations are essential.

Some women even feel guilty about touching themselves. As someone who grew up in a strict religious environment, I understand this mentality only too well. I don’t agree with it, though. I think someone should feel guilty if they commit a crime. But, touching yourself? It just doesn’t make sense. Personally, I like to remind myself that God gave me a clitoris. Researching the attributes of this singular organ, whose only function is to provide sexual pleasure can be very insightful and empowering. Hopefully, anyone will realise that having such a gift between your thighs and not making the most of it seems like such a tragic waste.

Everyone has a unique orgasmic journey, it’s true. But if you relax, let go and just enjoy your body, who knows? Sooner or later that first orgasm might just take you by surprise. If it takes a while, don't worry. You will definitely have fun during the process and you will be a step closer to your destination every time.