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F**k me, I’m Famous by Venus O’Hara

I can’t deny that getting recognised on the streets of Barcelona on a regular basis is highly flattering for my ego. The flip side of this is that I consider dating apps to be off-limits. This is because I don’t want any of my followers to recognise my profile picture or to know how far away from them that I happen to be at any given time. Even though I’m an influencer, I really do value my privacy. I’m not really into going out either. Ever since I gave up booze, bars and drunk people kind of annoy me. Therefore meeting a potential lover online, or in person, can be pretty tricky.

Writing about sex all day just makes celibacy even more of a challenge. But of course, to maintain the reputation I have worked so hard to achieve, I know that I really should have sex sometimes. At least, that is what I thought I should do a few winters ago. I decided that instead of sitting back and waiting for something to happen, I needed to devote the same time and energy to finding my next lover as I would to my work. I figured that it would be an investment, given that one day I’d probably end up writing about the experience, as I am today.

It was a Monday afternoon - the aftermath of another lonely weekend and I absolutely had to do something about it. I decided to try online dating on a website as opposed to on an App. This was because I didn’t have to disclose my location, Facebook profile or add a profile picture.

Whereas most people exaggerate their profile descriptions on dating sites, I had to make mine seem less interesting. Well, a bit more conventional. I said I was a British actress based in Barcelona. I purposefully neglected to attach a profile picture. Despite this, within minutes, I started receiving dozens of messages from potential dates.

Interestingly, the message that grabbed my attention the most was from a guy who didn’t have a profile picture either. He told me that he was also a public figure. Needless to say, I was intrigued and I started asking questions in our chat. But he wasn’t into chatting aimlessly; he wanted to meet in person for dinner that night. All of a sudden, I was filled with nervousness and I decided to take a chance and accept.

They say that you can tell in the first seven seconds if you’re attracted to someone during a date. I knew the first millisecond that I wasn’t attracted to him when we met outside a well-known bar in the centre of Barcelona. Although he was technically good looking, he was quite a bit shorter than me and quite slight. I imagined what it would be like to have sex with him, and I deduced that I would probably feel like a giantess. I felt huge next to him. That said, I was convinced that he would have some interesting stories to tell.

He was from the music industry and he was internationally famous. Although I had never heard of him, I was able to learn a lot about him thanks to a detailed Google search after our date. I was able to check that everything he told me was true as well as learn some new things about him. He hadn’t heard of me either, so neither of us were starstruck.

Even though I wasn’t attracted to him, I accepted a second date the following night. We went to a cocktail bar. It was all pretty platonic until the conversation turned to sex and cunnilingus in particular. He expressed how much he adored going down on a woman. When he did so, he looked up to the ceiling and a gave a far-away dreamy look as he discussed it. He looked as though he was salivating as he was either reminiscing or fantasising. Or both. To my surprise, something urgent happened between my thighs. My clitoris was silently screaming: ‘yes, please! Give me some of that!’ and I simply couldn’t ignore it.

At that point in my life, I had been able to enjoy orgasms with my sex toys, with a penis and with fingers. In spite of my orgasmic capabilities, I had always struggled to reach climax through oral sex. I enjoyed it immensely, but I could never quite hit the jackpot. I was convinced that an enthusiastic and patient tongue was all I needed to get there.

The next day, we met for lunch and he invited me to his place for coffee afterwards. It was a luxury, minimalist flat and I was hoping to fill the empty rooms with my orgasmic echos. After a brief tour, he took me straight to the bedroom. We didn’t need to waste time with small talk in the lounge. We both knew why we were there.

We kissed on the bed and within moments, we were naked. My throbbing clitoris was hungry for attention which he gladly gave. I lay back and let his head get to work between my thighs. I concentrated hard on all the triggers that normally provoke an orgasm when I use a toy. I was determined that that day would be the big day. His tongue tip started off slowly and then built up a rhythm that my whole body responded to. My breath quickened and my muscles got tense as my orgasm approached.

All of a sudden, my pelvis proceeded to bounce up and down frenetically on the bed as a reaction to the intensely strong spasms that I was experiencing. I moaned scandalously with unexpected pleasure. Here I was, a sexpert enjoying a completely new sensation. It was so intense that I feared that I might break his nose in the process. The satisfaction I felt afterwards was indescribable. I couldn’t believe that I had finally managed to enjoy an orgasm from cunnilingus.

When I got my breath back, we had sex. That part was pretty much run of the mill - apart from the fact that I actually did end up feeling like a giantess next to him. He came relatively quickly but I didn’t care because I was still on a high after discovering his exceptional oral skills and my own newfound orgasmic capabilities.

After we had finished, we had some more food and he dropped me off at my place. When we said ‘goodbye,’ I could still smell my sweet, intimate Venusian nectar from his lips.

We kept in touch on social media, although we never met in person again. These days, we often ‘like’ each other’s posts on Instagram. I always smile when I see him pop up on my news feed, because thanks to him, I am now able to come quite easily from cunnilingus. In his photos, he is almost always surrounded by beautiful women. One might think they were there for the money, status and free dinners, but I know that he has a much more valuable asset, and I guess they do too.